From Rachel, The Fire

This is a slightly dramatization of actual events. It is also slightly more Victorian. And slightly more awesome.

Dear Herbert Esq.

Last week during the spate of cold weather we decided that we would much appreciate a roaring fire in the fireplace. Much to our dismay, after we had set the logs ablaze we realized that the cursed flue was malfunctioning. Valiently we tried to redirect the smoke that came pouring into the living room, but to no avail. We fled, choking on the noxious fumes. When the smoke had at last abated enough for us to return, we saw a gruesome sight! The once grey walls were now slightly greyer! The once inoffensive smelling room now brought to mind a dirty campsite!
At first, we felt guilt. We were the ones who had set the fire, and so we were to blame. But upon further thought and reflection, we realized that you hadn't installed any smoke detectors or put any fire extinguishers in the house. At once, our guilt turned to anger. You were trying to kill us! You must have known that we would find the fireplace irresistable in the newly cold weather, yet you guaranteed that the flue was blocked and the resources for stopping the fire missing. What if we had tried to set a fire and then gone to bed, sir??? what then? With no alarm to awaken us, we surely would have suffocated in our sleep. So I say it is you sir, and not us who have caused the upper floor of the house to be a bit, shall we say, smoke cured, and it is you who shall pay the price! By that we mean the price of the cleaning and repainting. We expect the return of the living room to a pristine state in no more than two hours. We also demand that smoke detectors and fire extinguishers are provided at once, lest we grow cold yet again and forget the lessons which this fire should have taught us. We are cold sir! so cold. If you do not do as we demand, then I will not guarantee that this whole house wont be set on fire. You have two hours! make haste.

yours in perpetuity
The Tenants Of Melrose

Man is the only creature that dares to light a fire and live with it. The reason? Because he alone has learned to put it out. ~Henry Jackson Vandyke, Jr.