Happy Thanksgiving. Fuckers.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
from the red one
By 2 p.m. everyone in the house had woken up. At 2.05 p.m. we all realized not a single person in this house remembers the previous evening. And evidentially I am a herd of cats.
Happy Thanksgiving. Fuckers.
Happy Thanksgiving. Fuckers.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A Day in the Life of the Unemployed Roommate by Rachel
10:30 am
First awakening. I normally wake up to find myself wedged between a naked man and the wall, I will occasionally be warm but most often cold because the covers have fallen off in the night. If I'm feeling adventurous, I will try to unfold myself and grab the quilt which will most likely have fallen off the end of the bed. This is a risky measure because my bed is not really a bed at all, but two mattresses stacked together, and any sudden move is likely to dislodge them and create a crack between mattress and wall which is surprisingly easy to fall into.
10:32 am
Quilt retrieved.
10:33 am
Sleeping resumed.
1:30 pm
Second waking commenced. At this point the urging of both my bladder and my stomach will have become too much for me to ignore. I will slide myself off the end of the bed, careful not to dislodge the sleeping man, and gracefully saunter over to the dresser to get my clothes. There is a slight possibility that I will kind of fall when trying to launch myself off the end of the bed and crash back, waking the sleeping man and making a bit of a fool of myself. I suppose I should mention at this point that the naked man is always the same naked man, not an assortment. Just to make that clear.
1:35-1:45 pm
Peeing and tooth brushing.
1:45 pm
Contemplate how hungry I am.
1:50 pm
DAMMIT there's nothing in the fridge.
1:51 pm
Except eggs
1:52 pm
Begin to prepare ingredients and cook eggs. At this point the naked sleeping man will be both awake and clothed and is helping to make coffee and food.
2:00-3:00 pm
Egg and coffee consumption and computer using. Yes, I do have a computer. A nice laptop in fact. When my unemployment runs out I will either be acquiring a less nice laptop or no laptop at all. Then I won't be able to make blog posts anymore. Tragedy! Towards the end of this hour the clothed man will have to leave, since he actually has a job and school to go to.
3:00-4:00 pm
Look at posts on craigslist.
4:00 pm
Apply to office job on craigslist
4:30 pm
I have been hired!
4:31 pm
My job duties will be to receive checks, deposit them in my bank account, then write another check for a smaller amount and send it on to an associate. I will only have to work ten hours a week and am guaranteed a salary of one million dollars per year.
4:37 pm
Delete job offer.
4:38- 5:30 pm
Stare at college degree and weep. Weeping time varies depending on mood and time since last fake job offer received.
5:31-6:30 pm
Roommates begin arriving back at home. When they ask me how my day went I will quickly deflect by asking them how THEIR day went. This is called a diversion. I will offer to cook dinner for them because I am bored enough to chew my own face off. They may or may not accept. Regardless of their answer, I will make dinner anyway. Handy tip- even if there is a bunch of ramen in the house, don't be fooled into thinking you can make a meal out of it. Ramen is for consuming quickly and guiltily. If you try to, say, make a bunch of vegetables with soy sauce and then stir fry the ramen along with it to make it more flavorful, then you will only succeed in wasting thirty cents and making the house smell gross.
6:00-6:30 pm
I will announce that since the ramen is gross, I am going downtown to have dinner with an unspecified friend, then leave and walk down the godforsaken hill upon which our house is perched.
6:30-7:30 pm
Panhandling from business people downtown.
7:30-8:00 pm
Commuting back to the house on Bart to give myself the illusion that I have a job. Did you know that most Bart employees are too lazy to chase you if you jump the turnstile?
8:00 pm
Bedtime!
?
Sometime during the night the clothed man will return, see that I am asleep, sigh, get naked and slip into bed. After such a busy and tiring day I am unlikely to wake up. You may notice that I get approximately 17.5 hours of sleep per night, an almost catlike amount. I can only conclude that unemployment has pushed my body into a kind of hibernation. Hopefully, when I wake up it will be spring and all those damn checks I deposited in my account will finally have cleared.
First awakening. I normally wake up to find myself wedged between a naked man and the wall, I will occasionally be warm but most often cold because the covers have fallen off in the night. If I'm feeling adventurous, I will try to unfold myself and grab the quilt which will most likely have fallen off the end of the bed. This is a risky measure because my bed is not really a bed at all, but two mattresses stacked together, and any sudden move is likely to dislodge them and create a crack between mattress and wall which is surprisingly easy to fall into.
10:32 am
Quilt retrieved.
10:33 am
Sleeping resumed.
1:30 pm
Second waking commenced. At this point the urging of both my bladder and my stomach will have become too much for me to ignore. I will slide myself off the end of the bed, careful not to dislodge the sleeping man, and gracefully saunter over to the dresser to get my clothes. There is a slight possibility that I will kind of fall when trying to launch myself off the end of the bed and crash back, waking the sleeping man and making a bit of a fool of myself. I suppose I should mention at this point that the naked man is always the same naked man, not an assortment. Just to make that clear.
1:35-1:45 pm
Peeing and tooth brushing.
1:45 pm
Contemplate how hungry I am.
1:50 pm
DAMMIT there's nothing in the fridge.
1:51 pm
Except eggs
1:52 pm
Begin to prepare ingredients and cook eggs. At this point the naked sleeping man will be both awake and clothed and is helping to make coffee and food.
2:00-3:00 pm
Egg and coffee consumption and computer using. Yes, I do have a computer. A nice laptop in fact. When my unemployment runs out I will either be acquiring a less nice laptop or no laptop at all. Then I won't be able to make blog posts anymore. Tragedy! Towards the end of this hour the clothed man will have to leave, since he actually has a job and school to go to.
3:00-4:00 pm
Look at posts on craigslist.
4:00 pm
Apply to office job on craigslist
4:30 pm
I have been hired!
4:31 pm
My job duties will be to receive checks, deposit them in my bank account, then write another check for a smaller amount and send it on to an associate. I will only have to work ten hours a week and am guaranteed a salary of one million dollars per year.
4:37 pm
Delete job offer.
4:38- 5:30 pm
Stare at college degree and weep. Weeping time varies depending on mood and time since last fake job offer received.
5:31-6:30 pm
Roommates begin arriving back at home. When they ask me how my day went I will quickly deflect by asking them how THEIR day went. This is called a diversion. I will offer to cook dinner for them because I am bored enough to chew my own face off. They may or may not accept. Regardless of their answer, I will make dinner anyway. Handy tip- even if there is a bunch of ramen in the house, don't be fooled into thinking you can make a meal out of it. Ramen is for consuming quickly and guiltily. If you try to, say, make a bunch of vegetables with soy sauce and then stir fry the ramen along with it to make it more flavorful, then you will only succeed in wasting thirty cents and making the house smell gross.
6:00-6:30 pm
I will announce that since the ramen is gross, I am going downtown to have dinner with an unspecified friend, then leave and walk down the godforsaken hill upon which our house is perched.
6:30-7:30 pm
Panhandling from business people downtown.
7:30-8:00 pm
Commuting back to the house on Bart to give myself the illusion that I have a job. Did you know that most Bart employees are too lazy to chase you if you jump the turnstile?
8:00 pm
Bedtime!
?
Sometime during the night the clothed man will return, see that I am asleep, sigh, get naked and slip into bed. After such a busy and tiring day I am unlikely to wake up. You may notice that I get approximately 17.5 hours of sleep per night, an almost catlike amount. I can only conclude that unemployment has pushed my body into a kind of hibernation. Hopefully, when I wake up it will be spring and all those damn checks I deposited in my account will finally have cleared.
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