Hence the Name

I've been disturbingly lax in my duties as unofficial photographer of the household, and therefore will commence with the pictures of the fridge so far. You're welcome.




-Kat, the one with the camera.

Richard Verification Journal Part II

The Christmas season is upon us, and good will and cheer fill the room. We sit around exchanging presents and singing carols, when all of a sudden Richard says something dubious. Time for the Richard Verification Journal Part II!!!!!

The phrase "pink elephant" was once code for abortion.
DEBUNKED- I'm sorry Richard, but my search of google showed absolutely no correlation between "pink elephant" and abortion. I think you're getting a bunch of old timey stuff all confused

Running total:
In the spirit of the season, I am just going to say Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! (except Richard)

rachel's brother. post.

After an hour and a half of screaming at the top of my lungs on the way from san jose, i've made it to the big city.
what is wrong with this place?

The first person i met other than the crazy roommates and pseudo-roommates was the neighbor, brad. or bret. or bearded nut. The point is he apparently has several women in hanging cages in his house which was blasting rap music for the last million years. This, of course, was only a fantasy meant to entice me into going over to his house to "party".

Before this, i've spent my time getting better acquainted with the couch that will be my bed. It's nice and comfy, so i guess everything will be alright. all i really need is a nice comfy couch and some mind-numbing ninja warz.

My arms hurt. Ice doesn't help.

wait.

fudge helps. Too bad i'm not motivated enough to get any, and rachel is the worst sister in the world for not getting me any. go get me some fudge. please? dammit.
Currently, we are discussing the subject of virtual arms. How else would you play a bass and a guitar at the same time?
They're stealing my couch. what will i do without it? there's a mattress. Its not the same.
I wonder how brian is doing in his crazy house with crazy ladies......probably nothing.

Careful... it's my first time (Richard)

I feel like a bitch on prom night. Random noises from the tv bringing back memories of preteen angst all the while the girls about and asunder exclaiming said noses sound akin to sex noises... Bette Middler, Jessica Simpson, and... the... that third witch do not remind me of sex. Not in the slightest. For starters the room doesn't smell like regret... Speaking of which when is the goddamn male pill going to come out. I'm going to pop that shit like skiddles. OH CRAP BETTE MIDDLER IS SINGING... and nobody is listening but me... oh and I'm singing along... oh hell no Rachel... Don't you dare blame me for hogging the computer... Hey Jazmin... don't text that... being naked also scares the shit out of me... it's hard to hide all this awesome... yeah seriously why aren't going for the boobs... (I'm quoting the ladies for anybody that's reading)... My gawd... this might be the worst blog entry I've ever written... Did you know in Japan there are cafes where you can pay to pet kittens (note to all readers: Get your mind out of the gutters people... you make me sick). No but seriously I would go bankrupt over night. Ok seriously this is a to be concluded... b/c I refuse for this to be my first blog entry... let me tell you something... I am hilARiOUS!!! HILARIOIUS!!!

Kat's First Post

Hi there I'm the other roommate. clearly im the slacker since i havent posted yet. i just cant ever remember the password. or username. major fail.
anyhow. i had a great idea for my first post but i guess now is not the time. next time it will be the most amazing post ever, i promise. i just want to say that i am a roommate at the melrose house too and that i exist. yeah. someday i will post an awesome post. i live in the room near the kitchen. yup.

our neighbor is sleeping through us being alcoholic retardeds. retardenauts. richard thinks it should be retardenauts. anyway. the end for now! goodnight!

Jazzie's first post

Here I am..Sitting on the couch...Seriously what to talk about....Well for starters I have a wedgie...hmmm...Pick it or not?...that is the question..Second of all what the hell happened to the perfect guy? I mean seriously, where is he? I can't find him...And trust me I am looking...So what does this have to do with the house blog...Not a damn thing...I love this house..the random conversations...all the vagina...what would I do without this place?? I don't know....Well another random thought it's Friday...I want to make out with someone....Hmmm...an ode to FRIDAY nights..and random thought! Ok, so that's all I got....Cheers to female masturbation!

~Jazziejavascript:void(0)

Richard Verification Journal Part 1

Welcome to the first entry of the Richard Verification Journal. Here is where we record any of Richard's statements which we find dubious. We then research the statement and label it either verified, debunked, or undetermined. Please, feel free to comment if you know about any of these statements. Let the verification begin!


Higher levels of melanin lead to vitamin d deficiency
VERIFIED- I thought that this was untrue, but google told me otherwise. Point Richard.

You, Rachel, took the picture that I drew of a giant cock and threw it away. I saw you take it down and say "we don't need this anymore"
DEBUNKED- the picture is right there on the fridge! What particularly concerns me in this case is the made up dialogue.


Latin Americans are less susceptible to HIV.
UNVERIFIED

Women get worse cases of syphilis and gonorrhea than men do.
DEBUNKED- Richard himself confirmed that this is false. I will only delete half a point because of his admirable honesty.

RUNNING TALLY
WORLD- 1.5
RICHARD- 1
UP FOR GRABS- 1

Richard is doing far better than expected, but he's still behind by a half a point. The world wins so far!

from the red one

By 2 p.m. everyone in the house had woken up. At 2.05 p.m. we all realized not a single person in this house remembers the previous evening. And evidentially I am a herd of cats.
Happy Thanksgiving. Fuckers.

A Day in the Life of the Unemployed Roommate by Rachel

10:30 am
First awakening. I normally wake up to find myself wedged between a naked man and the wall, I will occasionally be warm but most often cold because the covers have fallen off in the night. If I'm feeling adventurous, I will try to unfold myself and grab the quilt which will most likely have fallen off the end of the bed. This is a risky measure because my bed is not really a bed at all, but two mattresses stacked together, and any sudden move is likely to dislodge them and create a crack between mattress and wall which is surprisingly easy to fall into.

10:32 am
Quilt retrieved.

10:33 am
Sleeping resumed.

1:30 pm
Second waking commenced. At this point the urging of both my bladder and my stomach will have become too much for me to ignore. I will slide myself off the end of the bed, careful not to dislodge the sleeping man, and gracefully saunter over to the dresser to get my clothes. There is a slight possibility that I will kind of fall when trying to launch myself off the end of the bed and crash back, waking the sleeping man and making a bit of a fool of myself. I suppose I should mention at this point that the naked man is always the same naked man, not an assortment. Just to make that clear.

1:35-1:45 pm
Peeing and tooth brushing.

1:45 pm
Contemplate how hungry I am.

1:50 pm
DAMMIT there's nothing in the fridge.

1:51 pm
Except eggs

1:52 pm
Begin to prepare ingredients and cook eggs. At this point the naked sleeping man will be both awake and clothed and is helping to make coffee and food.

2:00-3:00 pm
Egg and coffee consumption and computer using. Yes, I do have a computer. A nice laptop in fact. When my unemployment runs out I will either be acquiring a less nice laptop or no laptop at all. Then I won't be able to make blog posts anymore. Tragedy! Towards the end of this hour the clothed man will have to leave, since he actually has a job and school to go to.

3:00-4:00 pm
Look at posts on craigslist.

4:00 pm
Apply to office job on craigslist

4:30 pm
I have been hired!

4:31 pm
My job duties will be to receive checks, deposit them in my bank account, then write another check for a smaller amount and send it on to an associate. I will only have to work ten hours a week and am guaranteed a salary of one million dollars per year.

4:37 pm
Delete job offer.

4:38- 5:30 pm
Stare at college degree and weep. Weeping time varies depending on mood and time since last fake job offer received.

5:31-6:30 pm
Roommates begin arriving back at home. When they ask me how my day went I will quickly deflect by asking them how THEIR day went. This is called a diversion. I will offer to cook dinner for them because I am bored enough to chew my own face off. They may or may not accept. Regardless of their answer, I will make dinner anyway. Handy tip- even if there is a bunch of ramen in the house, don't be fooled into thinking you can make a meal out of it. Ramen is for consuming quickly and guiltily. If you try to, say, make a bunch of vegetables with soy sauce and then stir fry the ramen along with it to make it more flavorful, then you will only succeed in wasting thirty cents and making the house smell gross.

6:00-6:30 pm
I will announce that since the ramen is gross, I am going downtown to have dinner with an unspecified friend, then leave and walk down the godforsaken hill upon which our house is perched.

6:30-7:30 pm
Panhandling from business people downtown.

7:30-8:00 pm
Commuting back to the house on Bart to give myself the illusion that I have a job. Did you know that most Bart employees are too lazy to chase you if you jump the turnstile?

8:00 pm
Bedtime!

?
Sometime during the night the clothed man will return, see that I am asleep, sigh, get naked and slip into bed. After such a busy and tiring day I am unlikely to wake up. You may notice that I get approximately 17.5 hours of sleep per night, an almost catlike amount. I can only conclude that unemployment has pushed my body into a kind of hibernation. Hopefully, when I wake up it will be spring and all those damn checks I deposited in my account will finally have cleared.

что надо делать?

This is Richard. Not Dick. Posting crude drawings of your friends is so indie, or hipster, or otaku. He kinda has this Tim Curry thing going on, so I tarted him up a bit. Also his eyes aren't that small but chances are he's making this face right now as I type. The white dots all over the blue hoodie he always wears are bits of stevia. He doesn't live with us or anything, but he's sorta like a stray dog that hangs out on our porch. However, we live on a huge hill so we don't get many stray dogs. Just Richard. Not Dick. Here's his website: Not Dick.

Richard, hurry up and manifest the charger so I can make that video for this blog. -трайси

From Rhonda, Bored at Work

From Rachel, The Fire

This is a slightly dramatization of actual events. It is also slightly more Victorian. And slightly more awesome.

Dear Herbert Esq.

Last week during the spate of cold weather we decided that we would much appreciate a roaring fire in the fireplace. Much to our dismay, after we had set the logs ablaze we realized that the cursed flue was malfunctioning. Valiently we tried to redirect the smoke that came pouring into the living room, but to no avail. We fled, choking on the noxious fumes. When the smoke had at last abated enough for us to return, we saw a gruesome sight! The once grey walls were now slightly greyer! The once inoffensive smelling room now brought to mind a dirty campsite!
At first, we felt guilt. We were the ones who had set the fire, and so we were to blame. But upon further thought and reflection, we realized that you hadn't installed any smoke detectors or put any fire extinguishers in the house. At once, our guilt turned to anger. You were trying to kill us! You must have known that we would find the fireplace irresistable in the newly cold weather, yet you guaranteed that the flue was blocked and the resources for stopping the fire missing. What if we had tried to set a fire and then gone to bed, sir??? what then? With no alarm to awaken us, we surely would have suffocated in our sleep. So I say it is you sir, and not us who have caused the upper floor of the house to be a bit, shall we say, smoke cured, and it is you who shall pay the price! By that we mean the price of the cleaning and repainting. We expect the return of the living room to a pristine state in no more than two hours. We also demand that smoke detectors and fire extinguishers are provided at once, lest we grow cold yet again and forget the lessons which this fire should have taught us. We are cold sir! so cold. If you do not do as we demand, then I will not guarantee that this whole house wont be set on fire. You have two hours! make haste.

yours in perpetuity
The Tenants Of Melrose

Man is the only creature that dares to light a fire and live with it. The reason? Because he alone has learned to put it out. ~Henry Jackson Vandyke, Jr.

From Rhonda, The Station

this will not be a terribly long post because i am feeling crappy as a result of drinking and being ridiculous last night. but, the blog is empty and that makes me sad. almost as sad as being at work right now is making me feel. (but not quite.) so, to make me feel better... my first post!


i love our house, for many many reasons. i love our super cool stove and the skylights and giant backyard; i love the tub with jets and the views and my roommates and neighbors.

but i really love that it's next to the station.

the station, our bar, is a very short walk downhill from our house and a very long walk back up depending on my state of inebriation. it has everything i require in a bar, namely rum, but also very cool bartenders who forgive our alcoholic ways and against all better judgment still give us the darts. on sundays there are live bands (which brings up completely different story, but that must wait) and the back room, which we frequently take over, has become an extension of our living room.

we are quite possibly the best and worst regular bar patrons at station. there are always several of us and massive consumption of spirits leads to empty wallets (good) and usually vomit (bad) and some rather interesting interactions with other patrons (Danny = good, Rio = bad, The Band = weird)

if tonight we go to the station, i know for a fact that i will have a hangover and a kick ass story tomorrow morning. i really do love that bar.


The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind. ~H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, Fourth Series, 1924

We have a blog!